Monday, September 26, 2011

Over It

There's this one boy {even though he is 5 years older than me, I consider him a boy} that has come in and out of my life for nearly three years.  He is someone that I have given part of myself to, little pieces of my heart each time we were together.  When we met he was a rising star and I was in the middle of my first year of law school.  The self-esteemeless part of me wondered why he would pick me out of all the other girls in the bar/around him.  But for some reason he did pick me and I let myself believe it was real.  The same part of me, that questioned the initial choice continued to question his intentions and made it easier to go back to him each time.  When I saw him I would be overjoyed to be in his presence again, and each time I left I was hopeful that maybe this time would be different.  It never was.

As his star continued to rise he got more distant.  One would think that is the natural course of things, one person becomes a super star the other remains the same--distance grows.  I didn't want to believe that was going to happen, I held on to every moment he threw some attention my way.  In hindsight, that was probably the worst thing I could do but at the time I could not let go of the happiness he brought to my life.

I am now in a new place, physically and mentally.  My physical location makes it much more difficult to move on mentally and emotionally.  I am brought face to face with him nearly everyday.  For the first few months it got worse.  Every moment he was in my presence my knees would get weak and my heart would beat faster and faster.  Things didn't change and living in the same city (which we've never done before) opened new faults to me that I hadn't seen before.  It was so hard, wondering if I would ever get over it, thinking that there was no way it was going to happen, and having a panic attack about no one else measuring up.  Thanks to an ever steadying force in my life, an email that is printed out and on my refrigerator so it can be easily referenced, I knew it was possible to get over him.

While I was walking with the dogs through the woods today I realized that I might be over it.  I have no idea where he is or what he is doing and I don't think I care.  There is still a pang in my heart when I see him with some other girl, but it is not so physically disabling as it used to be.

Here's to healing!